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So where do I stand now?
It's a question I've found myself asking a lot lately. The answer is, still, that I don't know. Not entirely. What do I know?
I love Caleb. I have no intention of ever leaving him, no desire to do so, and no need to do so. He is my husband and a large part of my life.
I love Kadin. I miss him horribly and worry about him constantly. I've more or less accepted that I won't ever have my kitten back exactly, but we do still play occasionally and I know he is still part of my life... and that that's unlikely to change.
I love Nreshan. Yeah - I know it's not something I talk about much but really, how often has he wandered through these pages? *wry grin* He holds a piece of my heart and I'm happy about that.
I love Inari. Currently I don't trust him, I have a lot of people advising me to just let go, and I'm still a bit upset with him. Hell, a lot upset with him. But I do love him and I don't know if I CAN let go even if I wanted to.
I love Nick. I talk to him rarely, see him so infrequently it is nothing short of frustrating, but every time I talk to him for even five minutes, it brightens not only that day but several days afterward. He matters to me.
I love Ryan. I miss him a lot; certainly some days more than others and I know we are NOT meant to be living under the same roof, but I do love him to pieces and I wish he were close enough to visit more.
I love Grr. I worry... she's going through a lot of upheaval right now and she's got two kids to deal with through it all - more if you count Mike and Bit. She's a sister, a mother, and a soulmate all rolled up in one and I want her life to be good.
I love Angel. The day THAT stops is the day I stop breathing. Yeah, I still keep up to date on her life, as best I can... but from a distance. Still. If she called... I'd come. I always have.
I love Rhett. Like Nick, I talk to him rarely... and I know he's gotten a lot of living under his belt since he and I were really together last. Doesn't matter, the demented dreamer I fell for is alive and well in his head. *smile*
...I certainly can't say I love puppy, but... I am content to have him in my life, in the roles he fills. And would slit the throat of anyone who tried to interfere or take him away. My toy, dammit! *broad grin*
I miss Zian and I hope he's doing ok.
I miss Bug and need to get off my lazy ass and write to her.
I miss Scott... and I think there's still love there, mostly friendship sorts but... yeah. *fond smile* You don't spend that much time, that intensely, caring for someone and have it just vanish. I need to talk to him a LOT more.
I miss Nereus already.
I miss Becca quite a bit - she was my sisterness for a while there and it still feels weird some days not seeing her, not getting to talk to her and hug her and just... be there, y'know?
I have come to the conclusion I don't need a Dom, I just need a sadist with a sense of humor and a strong sex drive who won't interfere with the rest of my life or take advantage of me when I haven't offered it. Taking advantage when I call up and say 'I'm about to take heavy drugs, I'm all yours' is one thing. Taking advantage when I'm too sleepy and too deep in substate to do more than murmur protests and try to silently resist? Not so cool. That's not my bag, baby - that's what I DO, at least to dear puppy, not what I want DONE.
I'm seriously fucked-up in the head and the heart and the hormones.
I'm getting dehydrated again and need to drink more non-caffeinated fluids.
I'm really fucking horny tonight and it's pretty much entirely 'Nre's fault... and I wish he'd be more vocal about taking credit for it. I like it when he does.
I'm about to hit the 3:00 blues - I'm gonna go curl up in bed with Caleb and hope I can fall asleep before they really sink in.
If there's anything else I'm certain of, I don't know what it is.
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