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Previous - this entry written on 2001-03-12 at 19:42:38 - Next Agony. I miss him so much it hurts. I've been reading again, reading his new letters, his old letters, remembering everything that went wrong every other time and vowing over and over again that this time will be different. I promised myself that this time, I would do it right. This time, I would be wiser, smarter, bolder, better. This time, I wouldn't have to give up heaven. I love him so much... gods, even with three of them, I couldn't love any of them any more or any less. Kitten... his parents know, they know everything and they hate him for it, they hate me for corrupting him... maybe I did, maybe if he hadn't met me he would have waited, dreamed, stayed the sweet little innocent that they intended him to be. And maybe not. Maybe if he hadn't met me, the next time he tried to slit his wrists he would have managed not to be found in time. I would give the world for them. I would give my life for them. I would give up everything I hold sacred, if it meant keeping them and having us all happy. I need them. I need what only they can give me... Kadin Jasan Raven. My lover. My pet. My slave. My dream. Caleb Vaughn Dixon. My fiancee. My lover. My slave. My playmate. Elru, Nick, Tammuz. My master. My slave. My friend. My soul's companion. I need them, need them all, need it here. I just finished reading Boy-Ashamed's latest entry. No dick. Doesn't matter. He's good at finding words for what's going on in his life. I wish that just for once I could find words that pure, write it all out and let the world see just how I feel. Yeah, I know damn well the world doesn't care. So? Just knowing that it was out there would be enough. That's who I am writing to - the people who don't care, who stumble across this diary, read one entry, then forget it completely. You are my Target Audience, you are the people that I trust enough to open myself up to... because you don't care. You won't critique. You won't tell your next door neighbor's cousin's aunt's dog's babysitter about my problems. You'll look, nod, say something like 'Ah, my life is worse' or 'she's just having a bad day' or even 'bo-oring' and go on with life. No effect. I want you to understand what it is I feel, people-who-pass, I want you to be able to toss aside my words and KNOW what you're tossing, to recognize perhaps a little bit of yourself in the speech that you're reading because you're bored at work, or between classes, or home sick. That's what this diary is all about. That freedom to say what I want to say... to have it ignored... and to know that it's ok. That it's not so bad. That really, none of it matters, and that life will go on no matter what problems I might rant about today. I just want to feel that it will all be OK. Some days, that's very hard to manage. Hosted by Diaryland - All Rights Reserved - Image, Layout, and Content copyright Jax Raven - - Do Not Feed The Moose - |
