...I fucking HURT!$*#&%!)@*%&#

I try to tell myself that it's all in my head, or at least most of it is... that I can go a day without medication, easy. That I don't need it. And then I end up spending an hour crying in the bathroom, waiting for my body to stop hurting enough that I can crawl out to the living room and scrabble for the bottle I tossed aside this morning with a jaunty (and incorrent) "I won't need YOU today".

Gods, I'm an idiot. *sighs*

I might - MIGHT - make it through the day on the two I took just now and perhaps on one more later, if Caleb comes home late, then on penguins. I don't wanna be a pothead. I don't wanna be a painkiller junkie. I don't wanna hurt, either... and given a choice between excruciating pain that at this point, has left such things as 'giving birth' and 'stepping on a rusty nail' far behind. I am becoming a pain connisuer, which I cannot spell in the slightest, and OWfuck this hurts.

The link-o-the-day goes to a text on diverticulitis... not pretty, not fun. Add in kidney stones and recurring bladder infections, plus hypersensative nerves and a stressed uterus/ovaries... yeah. The pain becomes, while no more pleasant, at least understandable. I know WHY my body hurts. I just don't know what to do about it. High-fiber diet, yes. I may have to get some of that fiber-in-a-jar stuff. And painkillers still, despite the fact that they might be what started the whole damned thing. *arghs*

All I want, all I've wanted for a very long time, is a simple but amusing pain-free and love-filled life. I've got 'amusing', and I certainly have love, and I'm glad for those. However, simple and pain-free seem to have left the building.

If anyone sees them wandering around, please return 'em to me?