Ever played poker? You know that feeling you get when you draw a really GOOD hand, and are trying to be cool and not blow it, and you realize that some little gesture, some tiny grin, something, slipped out anyway? I'm feeling like that.

Like I... slipped.

I mentioned in an email that I thought I would be good for SnowTygrrr.

...and got asked why.

...and like an immature schoolgirl, showed my hand. *wry grin* Possibly to the wrong person, since the person in question hasn't replied. This is unusual only because it's been over 24 hours and said person seemed to be responding much quicker to other emails.

Could just be me being paranoid, of course.

And yes, the emails themselves are private, I'm not going to give any details of the other person's side of this. Just mine.

See, I explained that I would be good for him for one very simple reason - I intend to have him. Take. Claim. Own, however briefly... just as he, however briefly, has owned goddess-knows-how-many other women. I called my writings 'bait' once, and it infuriated him... they still are, not aimed at him specifically, not at anyone just now... but bait nonetheless.

No, what I bait him with now is something... deeper, perhaps. And it's no longer just the usual game... come to think of it, with him, it hasn't been the usual game at all, barring the first few posts on a now-abandoned message board.

*wry grin* He calls me Fesh-Fesh. He makes me pay attention to myself, my actions, my words, my deeds. He's good for ME.

And how will I be good for him? After all, how good can it be for such a strong-willed man to find his will bending, to find himself submitting even a portion of himself?

Answer: very good indeed. The best Dom/mes are those who have had experience as a sub, and vice versa (stress on 'vice' of course).

I'm going to show him what he's only seen second-hand until now... and I'm going to be a challenge. Since really, I don't intend to break for him. I don't intend to bend for him unless it's on my terms. I don't intend to give up my freedom.

Some of it is for sound reasons - he likes his women shaved, and if I shave there often at all, it guarantees me an infection. Like clockwork. Ditto the pierced ears - been there, done that, and I can't have metals in my body, it rejects them... one ear still isn't healed properly and is ungodly tender.

Some of it is because of the boys - my heart belongs to them and always will, Snow has my friendship and admiration already, for good reasons, but my heart... it's divided enough, I think. It would be unfair to offer myself up as a prize for him when I know there won't be emotion involved beyond pleasure and friendship.

And some of it, of course, is pure pride. I'm ME. Jax. Untameable. Unownable. He was recently compared to a rock... I'm no rock, not me... I'm a river, and given enough time, I'll wear the rock to a smooth and pleasing polish. It will still be hard. Still firm. Still strong. It will just have the touch of sophistication that turns a pebble into a gem.

It's that touch that he is missing... that touch, that is part of the reason I do not yet trust him.

That touch... that's what my boys have.

That's what Daris has.

That's what Nreshan is close to having.

That's what Talia is learning to give.

It's something he has never had, something that he SHOULD have.

So that's how I'm going to be good for him. I'm going to show him what it's like on the other side. I'm going to polish him. I'm going to refine him, if you will... amusing, coming from me, the roughneck goth chickie that you wouldn't dare take home to mother.

*shrugs* It's almost egotistical... hell, it IS egotistical.

Guess what?

I know what I'm talking about. The ego is earned.

I don't want or intend to hurt him, EVER... that's reserved for mine, they are the only ones I know I can heal after... but I'm gonna bruise him a bit, as I do not doubt he will bruise me.

*chuckles softly* We'll be good for each other.