Gotten a vitamin/mineral IV.

Spent time in my mother's company.

Gone to the E.R.

Had Ryan (and possibly the rest of the Geek Men in the house) take a look at my computer and figure out why it's throwing fits.

Spent a lot of time trying not to cry too much.

And, apparently, bitch out Torian.

Yeah, if you have been paying attention, you've noticed that his SLRN journal is gone. He is no longer collared or marked.

Tor: Hello.

Tor: I've got a question if this is Raven.

Lady Raven: Hello, boy... this is, more or less.

Lady Raven: and... A list?

Tor: That's what I was going to ask. Is the fact that I don't wear a collar means that you are going to ignore me as you please, leave unexpectedly, and basically somehow lower my status in your mind and therefor altering your behavior/attitude towards me?

Tor: Is that part of the protection you were talking about?

Tor: 'Cos I'd like to know.

Lady Raven: It will alter my behavior/attitude toward you, yes. Not necessarily in the ways you expect, and for the record, the latest 'leaving unexpectedly' was courtesy of a computer crash after Alan demanded access and monkeyed with something, then briefly fried the network. *is still annoyed about that*

Tor: Then in what ways is it going to alter?

Lady Raven: Incidentally, much of my change-in-attitude isn't just from your lack of a collar - I see that as more of a symptom than a cause.

Tor: A symptom caused by what?

Lady Raven: You will still have as much of my time and attention as I can reasonably and safely provide. That, love, will not be changing. However, you will NOT have any reason for me to try to give you extra attention, to go out of my way to take care of you... and YES, I have been.

Lady Raven: It has yet to cease irritating me that no matter what the circumstances, no matter what's going on, no matter how much more of my online time you get than EVERYONE else, you still decide it's not enough and that I obviously don't care.

Lady Raven: I don't honestly know WHAT the cause is. All I know is that you insult and annoy my friends, you've deleted the SLRN weblog, no collar, presumably no marks, no respect, no patience, you demand things I can't give and then become hurt and offended when, because I CAN'T give them, you don't get them... what the fuck do you expect?

Lady Raven: Of COURSE my attitude is going to change. Right now, much as I love you, I've come to dread talking with you because no matter what I say, it's not good enough. No matter what I can offer, it's not enough to satisfy you.

Lady Raven: You leave me feeling as if my existance is futile.

Tor: You leave me feeling as if I'm disposable.

Lady Raven: You aren't.

What else can I do? I already talk to him more than anyone else online, Kadin and Caleb included. I already worry about him often enough that it leaves me feeling physically sick at times. I already give him as much time and attention as I can manage.

What else can I do?

Tor: These are words.

Yes, they are words. Damn it all, what else do I HAVE? I can't hold him, he's in another fucking country and one likely to be involved in a massive war ASAP. I can't be there for him, I can't touch him, I'm broke which makes calling him difficult, I'm running around like mad trying to make sure I can continue to live in Portland and do things like eat and not be in agonizing pain 24-7 and keep from going suicidal and maybe, just maybe, have an Actual Life (although odds aren't good on that last one)...

...which leaves me rather at a lack for anyone and everyone.

Tor: I am mad at you.

Tor: It upsets me that you are not communicating.

Lady Raven: How the bloody hell am I not communicating, t'lesh? What is it I'm not saying, how the fuck else am I SUPPOSED to communicate?

Lady Raven: Would you prefer I didn't go to the doctor, didn't get sleep, didn't eat, in order to afford to call you more often or have more time to talk to you online?

Lady Raven: Do you expect me to somehow come up with things to tell you that you can't already see by reading my journal or listening to what I'm already saying, shall I make up some nifty fantasy life to tell you about?

Lady Raven: Or is it my emotions you think I'm not sharing? What the FUCK do you think I've been feeling for the last what, six months, other than pain, stress, worry, fear, and every now and then a moment of relief when I can JUST FUCKING REST?

Lady Raven: What the fuck more do you WANT?

I'm going to leave it at that.