No, she's not giving classes, not acting the part of a teacher... but by watching her, observing her actions and reactions, seeing how she behaves, I am learning quite a bit. Some of it is merely a 'refresher course', if you will... some of it is entirely new, amazing me with what it says about the relationship I have with my boys and they with me.

I've watched this slave girl when I knew she wanted to beg to be hurt, used, treated roughly. Now, I've had boys ask me for exactly the same thing... and thought I understood it. What I see through her reminds me that sometimes there are hidden depths.

She wasn't desiring to ask because she WANTED to suffer. That was the first thing that really got my attention. It wasn't pain she was hoping for, wasn't humiliation, wasn't any of that... and, oddly enough, it wasn't praise she was after either. There is an incredible sense of security that can be felt when you are owned, when you have an order to obey... and she wanted that.

She wanted to be able to obey... she wanted that deep, powerful feeling, drawing strength from her owner, being strong not only for him but because of him as well. She wanted to be reminded that she was controlled.

I've also learned something else: it would be damned useful to have two of the nifty voices in my head as... controlled... as the slavegirl is.

And more to the point, right now it's POSSIBLE to have those two voices thus bound.

I can't believe I am even writing this, you know... can't believe what I intend to do later tonight.

Bargain.

And what frustrates is that I know for once, it's not my decision to make. Some things ARE, some people are still my responsibility, and I will NEVER give them up...

...I thought about that a lot last night as I was trying to get to sleep. What would I do, if circumstances forced me to choose between my safety and my boys? Simple: MY boys. That will never change.

And I've got the oddest email, freshly-answered... strange indeed.

I wonder sometimes if people realize what they're doing.