Aleah's here. Ryan's not. I feel... not lost, exactly, but not very stable where I'm at. I nearly fell coming out of the bathroom and you have no idea how much it scared me to feel my muscles giving way for a split second. It could happen again. That horrid loss-of-consciousness, bitter taste in the back of my throat, body twitching, no longer mine to control. The while after the second seizure was actually something of a relief... it had just gotten as bad as it could get and for a while, it was almost fun to feel as if I wasn't really inhabiting this body, just borrowing it.

I think that's when my sex drive took a massive drop, after the first one, when all I could think was 'will it happen again?' and all I wanted to do was curl up and hide. I've gained a good 10-15 pounds, maybe more, and it's all fat. No muscle, just insulation... from the cold, from the heat, from the world, from all the things I fear. Shades of an eating disorder, I know. I'm really hoping that talking with the dietician (which I have yet again spelled wrong, I suspect) and getting a decent meal plan written up will help. If it doesn't... yeah. Twitch. I don't WANT to be fat.

And for those of you who are currently screaming 'anorexia' let me point out that I have now passed the 250 mark and am at 260 easily. If enough of it were muscle I wouldn't worry but... no. I can see myself growing in the last couple weeks and that REALLY disgusts me. Another reason my drive has been down, I suspect. The thought of me naked makes my stomach churn... but dammit, hungry. So f'ing hungry it feels as if I'm going to throw up if I don't eat and that is a mess I don't even want to start. *shivers*

Don't know what to do.

Don't know myself as well as I thought.