Talked to Kadin - he called, and actually got through while I was downstairs. This was good.

He was savoring the penguins.

Right now Slash is online on Messenger and I need to talk to him... but I'm a coward. I haven't talked to him in a long time and it's my own damned fault, I was both running away from a problem and being violently ill, neither of which are conductive to useful conversation.

Sooner or later I'm going to have to square my shoulders and actually do what I SHOULD have done months ago, and talk to him.

Why the hell am I so nervous?

Oh, yeah. He arouses me, scares the crap out of me, and is an asshole. Admittedly, he's gotten a lot better in some ways... and no one is perfect, nor do I expect them to be, except Kadin who is required to be perfect and I get to beat 'im when he's not. *grin*

Seriously, though. It still frightens me a bit to think of being alone with him and talking. I feel nervous.

It's not even the good kind of nervous.

It's the kind I used to get when I was going to meet Angel and had the feeling she either didn't want to see me, or was going to be upset with me, or was going to hurt me. It's a tightness in my chest, a rush of adrenalyn, and this really uncomfortable certainty that it's my own fault, all of it, even though a part of my mind is also aware that no, it's NOT.

He kept insisting that he was sorry. That he didn't want to hurt me. That he only wanted to do what I wanted. That he needed me.

That he loved... loves? me.

I've got boys for that. I've got BOYS, pets who I know I can hurt, and who I know can't hurt me. They are safe and sanitary and controlled... even Nick to some extent. I feel like I can trust them.

I have a hard time trusting him. Even though I know I've said I trusted him, even though at times, times when I'm aroused and all my common sense is outweighed by hormones, I would swear to anything just to get laid - did I mention recently that when I'm aroused I am either terrifying or pathetic? - but... I don't.

I don't trust him.

And I think that's why I am afraid to make the first move, and afraid he will. I don't want to be afraid of him, I don't want to get nervous and short of breath and worried every time I see his name. I don't want to feel like I have to run from him.

But I do.

I don't trust myself around him.

I don't trust my own hormones, my own mind, to keep me safe around him.

After all, if I couldn't stay safe the last few times, why should the next time be any different?

I don't want his love.

I might want his friendship, and although it's not good for me I know I want his body - he's one of the most beautiful men I have ever known.

He...

...gods.

How else do I say this?

I don't know how to explain it. That's another reason I dread finally talking to him. I don't know how to explain what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking. When we stopped talking, he said he wouldn't message me or write me. That he would give me space to think. And he's been wonderful about it, and I'm grateful... but it hasn't seemed to help. I'm still confused.

All I know is that I'm not who I want to be, when I'm around him... and everything he talks of wanting, pleasant as it sounds at the time, isn't how I would be happy.

I'm not that kind of a girl.