Still not being happy.

I'm gonna show up at the Pain Management class and apologise for my absences, explain them, and ask who to call to re-schedule the class for next time around.

I am also going to ask myself why the FUCK I get off on the things I do - I tried masturbation to ease some of the tension and frustration and it worked poorly, in part because the few things I actually found erotic I also found... hmm. Repellant would be a good word.

Disturbing, another good one.

Psychopathic, even.

I'm hoping the computer doesn't swallow this post too... but I wouldn't be surprised if I did. Hiding out in the computer room, hearing people come up from downstairs, knowing they're going to be leaving soon... oooh, wait, it's nearly 3:30 and hadn't they said they wanted to be out of here by three? *snickers*

Yeah, still bitter. I don't think that's really going to change.

It's not that any one person did any one horrible thing, really. It's not that any one aspect of life right now is so overwhelmingly horrible. It's that so many LITTLE things are just piling up, one on top of the other, and I am drowning beneath them. Can't breathe. Can't swim. Can't even struggle, really... just this, verbally thrashing about, and knowing perfectly well what will happen soon if I DON'T pull myself back out of this...

...why pull myself? Because much as I love my boys and my friends, this isn't something they can do. I need to work this out for myself, or I'll stay here forever.

And again with the yes, I know I've said that before. And meant it each time. And somehow I still end up here, depressed.

They say it's sometimes a chemical imbalance. Sometimes a genetic thing. Sometimes it's the weather. And y'know what?

Sometimes it's just that life Really Does Suck.

I'm hungry. Odd, since I ate.

I'm tired. Odd, since I slept.

I'm vaguely horny. Odd, since I masturbated.

I'm a little bit - strike that, MORE than a little bit - sore courtesy of cramps. Odd, since I've been gobbling painmeds like candy today.

Odd, this life I'm trapped in.

Odd, this boddy I'm stuck with.

Odd, these feelings I can't seem to fight back, no matter what tricks I try.

Odd.

Definitely odd.

I've $12 to my name, and after I go out to PM tonight it'll be less, as I intend to grab some dinner as well. Prob'ly just a Subway sandwich, but... yeah. Comfort food. *sighs softly*

Something else I keep trying to get away from: I don't NEED comfort food, or comfort drugs, or a comfort drink, or comfort ANYTHING, right? So why do I keep falling for it every damn time and trying it? And, more to the point, why does it work so damned often?

Odd, again.

I think I need to wander offline for a while... read a book, or take a nap, or something. Anything. Get me out of here. It's an hour and a half until I leave for the PM class... not enough time to sleep properly, but... maybe enough to help.

Sleep is good.

Or... no. Better not.

The razorblade is still up there.