Oh, wait, I do.

Panic.

I'm REALLY familiar with panic, funny that I didn't recognize it... see, there's this thing in my head where whenever something gets good, I start this odd combination of things. First, I want it to stay... then, I start thinking that it won't so I want it to get over with quickly... then, I get all confused and don't know what I want, and end up picking wrong, and hurting a lot, and it's all nasty.

Don't want that.

Want simple.

Want calm and rational.

Fuck that... *sigh* ...I know what I actually want, don't I? Yep. I want that blissful feeling I had a couple nights ago, where I could see the universe and everything felt good and safe and right. I want that sense of completion and comfort.

He pets the cat with the same intensity as when he touches me. He looks at the world with the same little smile. He trembles just as easily at a kitten's purr or the sound of rain as he does to my touch or my voice. I know - or at least I think I know - that he's not having any of the problems I seem to be having when it comes to keeping this uncomplicated... at least, he doesn't show 'em, doesn't talk about them, nothing... argh. Men. *throws up her hands*

This wouldn't be nearly as bad if I thought he was even AWARE of the havoc he so easily causes. Argh.

Simple.

I want simple... and I want him... and I want my boys... and I want, period. I am greedy again.

I really wish I had better words to explain this.

Oh... sleep. *sheepish*

That might be why I've no words and too many emotions. Still haven't slept. Sleep. I can do that. Really I can.

*paces about*

He looks like Spike with black hair and a bit more computer knowledge. He really does. This is just a bit of a crush, that's all. ARGH.

Ignore this entry, for the most part... it really IS me just trying to get out the nagging. *wry grin* I know me a bit too well... come morning, come the next Pretty Shiny Thing, come anything but a night when I am overly tired and far too needy, and I'll be over this.