I don't do that whole 'people' thing any more. I just don't. Nothing in it for me, it seems... not when the peoples' opinion of myself, and their views of whatever binds me to them or them to me, is so fragile that a couple weeks are enough to nearly shatter it.

I really don't want to deal with that. Don't want to see it. Don't want to hear it. So why do I keep reading his diary, answering his emails when I can, trying to keep in touch? Hm? Why do I even BOTHER, if I don't care? I wish he'd answer THAT question. I can't - I have no answers for it.

I came online today, early in the morning, happy. I was incredibly happy. I had, for just a little while, Nre. Not Nreshan, Nre - again, there IS a difference now... or still... but until recently, I didn't realize the need to make that distinction. I need it now.

I had Nre. I had kisses from a delightful girl. I had snuggles and fondles and flirtations, I had my hand on a pair of cuffs and my eyes locked on those of a timid, wonderful, perfect boy I've not gotten to see in two years.

I don't know if I'll get to see him again... I think I will. I hope I will. But I've no way of knowing for sure. After all, he belongs to someone else now. Yeah, he remembers me. To use his own words, I created him. He will...

...gah. Explanation time again. Bait. Lures. Bonds. Creation and formation and a thousand other things. I know how to make 'em love me. I am GOOD at it, damned good at it, I do it without even intending to apparently... but I don't know how to make 'em stop. And he hasn't stopped. Not in two years. Not any part of him.

Funny, this thing I'm feeling. It's not stress, although I've got plenty of that around, yes. It's not worry, not for him, not for me, not for anyone involved in this geometrical figure far more complicated than a triangle could EVER be. It's not love, although I do feel that, more than I think I should. What is this odd feeling?

Regret.

I regret.

I, the girl who says 'no regrets', who tries to live that motto. I am feeling regret. I wish, somehow, that it had been different. And because of that wish, I'm determined not to fuck it up this time. Not to fall. Not to give in. Not to break down. Not to hurt him, or fuck him over, or change the good things he's got.

Maybe I imagine too much power for myself, thinking that I could do those things... but imagination or not, I WON'T do those things. I care about him, after two years I still care about him.

Kadin is not coming down for a week. Not for a visit. Not for a few days' stay. Kadin is MOVING down here. I thought I had made that quite clear to everyone a long time ago... apparently I did not. Kadin is MOVING TO OREGON. To Portland, specifically. He's coming home. I want to make sure there is NO confusion on this.

Kadin has been expected here for almost a year. This is not a sudden decision. Admittedly, HE didn't know he was expected here... but I knew. *grin* Grr knew. Caleb, I think, knew... and somewhere along the line, Elru knew.

Anyone else miss the boat here? Ok, just checking.

Tash... gods. So much I want to say about him. So much going on in my thoughts. So many things to think about.

Rhett. Drunk. Lust. Love. He's an idiot - I'm a worse one, I think. I don't understand why I keep doing this to myself, to him. You'd think I would wise up and just DROP IT, give up my dreams and accept that they won't happen, right? Apparently, my hormones and my subconscious don't agree with that.

There are a very few people who can literally get me off just by talking about such simple things as the weather, or what they are eating, or such. VERY few. You know who you are, I hope... no names here. This is personal, too personal to write names. But I want to say that there ARE people who can do that. They leave me feeling weak.

Caleb is asleep in bed right now. I came in around 5:30, crawled into bed, sleepy, lips swollen slightly from kissing, body trembling, feet sore, head spinning... and woke up. Had to come online. Had to write.

I am an addict to so many things. Want the list? I'm tired, I feel generous. Here you go: Sex, sleep, food, chocolate, red meat, vicodin, sex, internet, diary updates, certain people, Violet Crumbles, sex (did I mention that already?), attention, violence, blood, Furres, sex (hmm... I would have sworn I mentioned that...), and the list does indeed go on.

I am Jax, hear me whimper from withdrawals.

On the bright side, I'm writing again... or is that a bright side? I write when the rest of the world seems distant, empty, or so full of pain that I can't bear it. I write when I hate my thoughts. I write to shut up the voices. *wry grin*

And now, I am writing to try to sleep.

I need sleep.

G'night... or g'morning... or whatever.