I can't feel a damn thing except a rage so overwhelming that it's actually hard to even see straight. I want to tear something apart, rip it up. There's only 10 minutes now before the boy would have had to get off the computer anyway... I told him that I was expecting an email, and left.

Left because it was that, or break into tears then and there and still have no satisfaction. I want to scream. I want to SCREAM. And I can't, Caleb is now here and he's been having a bad enough day as it is, he doesn't need this shit dumped on him. Nre is online and he doesn't need this either, hell, he wouldn't even know how to cope with it, how to satisfy it. Kadin...

He used to know. He used to be able to leave me nearly in tears but in a good way, relaxed, content, in at most three or four posts. He was INCREDIBLE. Maybe I just got used to it... maybe he was having a bad day... maybe a hundred different things. The end result is the same, no matter how it happened: he failed me.

I'd been counting on this, in a lot of ways. Knowing that today I had him for an hour. I told him that I needed to use him, needed the satisfaction of his pain. Told him that DAYS in advance. Made sure he'd be ready. And what do I get?

Boredom. Pathetic words, if all I wanted was trite, useless, unamusing conversation, I'd have stayed on Furcadia and talked to the Geno bastards. I wanted my kitten.

I wanted... a dream.

Maybe that's all this is. A dream. I've built him up in my mind to the point where he CAN'T ever be as perfect as I expect him to be, I'm asking too much, needing too much. It's quite possible - I really DO expect a lot from him. But dammit, I KNOW he managed it before. I still have those conversations saved, hundreds of them... he knows what I need, or knew. I have a feeling that half of this is just my mood, but the other half of it is simply that the boy is out of practice. He'll have plenty of time to practice in a month or two... and if I'm still this furious, this irritated, this BITCHY (let's just call a spade a spade here, ok?) then he'd damn well better get good at it again fast, or he'll be nothing but a solid mass of bruises, clawmarks, whipscars, and bites.

At least then I can get tears from him.

*sigh* It's tempting to go find new prey... but really, if I can't pull anything useful out of the collar meat I've already got, what good would it do me to get more?