Really Extreme Pain
Previous - this entry written on November 04, 2001 at 7:56 am - Next


It's just about 8:00 now.

The pain just keeps getting worse.

It's now so bad that I've thrown up.

I hate this, feeling so much pain and being so damned helpless to DO anything about it. I can't make it go away. I can't wish it away. I can't work it away. I can't DO anything except hurt.

There's no way to turn off the pain.

The clinic opens at 9:00 - I figure if I wake deb at 8:30 I can get there. I still have no real idea how I'm going to pay for it... even if I pay off the charges that got backbilled to me ($60 according to the lady I spoke to most recently but I have stopped trusting them, it could be anywhere from $10 to $100, knowing how honest and sane they are) it'll still be a week or two before the OHP coverage kicks in, and that will be retroactive.

It won't cover medications NOW.

So yeah... I would be able to repay Deb. I don't know if that will be enough to convince her. I hope it will.

I'm typing this because I can no longer lie down, whenever I try I get incredibly nausiated and the pain gets worse. Sitting is difficult now too, getting more so - soon it'll be walking or nothing.

I find this to be rather upsetting.

Part of the reason I am typing this is because if I end up NOT coming back online for a while, I want people to know why. *sigh*

I dislike having to check my skin daily to make sure it's not yellowing. I dislike living with the knowledge that my kidneys or liver could fail at any moment. I dislike... well, being ME, right now.

I want to be someone else. Someone healthy. Someone happy. I don't think I CAN be happy when I hurt this much. I'm not sure it is possible.

I feel like someone is ripping me open.

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